Ace of Pentacles... Yay? or Ney?

So my husband got an email yesterday saying he has a job interview he put in for. This job pays twice as much and he doesn't have to climb windmills in below zero temperatures. Just the thought of it is overwhelming. We have been struggling for years now. A slow and steady uphill battle that evidently we are winning. I have been putting everything I have got into my Tarot career... but today I feel different.

I usually steal the moments before my kids wake up and when they are taking naps to work on my pages and try to attract customers. I love this work don't get me wrong but the main drive was to bring in more money for my family. This is what I do... this is what I know.... this was how I was trying to contribute to my families future... but now... it feels so different.

I spent the morning trimming my Deviant Moon deck on the couch with my kids thinking about my future and what I want. The cards point out to me I was doing more than just pondering... there is a monkey on my back. Goddess... Empress is blessing us. Shouldn't I be happy?

The Five of Wands shows that it has created a stir in me. The Judgement card is telling me that this is all part of waking up. I mean... with all the work I do it is weird to think that things are actually going to get better... and that it isn't so crazy to think that things could one day be perfect. 

Some people don't believe that things can be perfect. And that the world and our lives could be too. I do not agree. I think it is not only possible... but coming. 

I feel so lost right now. Feeling my way through the dark.  I should be happy. But I am only left with thinking... "well, now what do I do?"

I love my husband so much. I am so proud of him. He broke his foot last year and it is full of metal. I know that it is physically tasking for him to do his job now. But I know he loves his job. He is a master of fixing things. (Virgo) He loves the freedom and excitement of climbing and fixing windmills. This new job would consist of him working in a warehouse. That just kills me. He is a mechanic and electrician working in a hazardous environment and it pays for shit... but throwing bags off a conveyor belt will pay twice as much. Life makes no sense sometimes. 

The cards promise me that Justice is coming... and that we will truly reap what we sow. I have to not feel despondent about my Tarot career. I work hard and I feel like I am not reaping the rewards but I have to do my best to stay positive. A kind of "I don't know where I am going but I promise it won't be boring" type of thing.    

The cards are urging me not to stop or give up.

I don't know what I am working towards but I know who I am working for. Spirit, humanity, me, my family...

I want to do a two path spread and see what path is the best for my hubby.

Great. This is not what I wanted to hear. I just want my husband to be happy. I know we don't have a lot but we have what we need. I want him to come home feeling good and satisfied. He loves his job right now. The left path is if he stays at his job... right now he feels suspended... waiting. But Spirit says that he is complete. Or perhaps it is saying that this phase in his life is coming to an end. I don;t know I am too attached to the outcome to read objectively. The right path is if he leaves and goes with the new job. This path looks like he will feel stuck. But it does promise to provide. 

This sucks. I know if I tell my husband... the cards say it is a bad idea he will not listen. But my gut is telling me the same. I hate the fact that money is always the deciding factor. I realize we need money to live. I get that... but I don't want to make decisions based off of money. 

I have been working my ass off with Tarot... but I have no idea what I am trying to do. I have no idea what could possibly come of it. Considering I live in the middle of nowhere. If I was back in the city... no problem. Availability alone would make all the difference. Resources. 

But here?

The cards are telling me to give it a rest. That things will work out. I will just have to wait and see. And try my best not to get all worked up about it. I think I just need a break from it all. A break from Tarot. A break from life. 

The thought of having financial freedom is so very very tempting. If my Tarot career had taken me somewhere... anywhere he could stay at his job and I would make up the difference. 

Again the cards say to relax, take time for Spirit to do its work, count my blessings and get this fricken monkey off my shoulder because the solution is there. I just cannot see it at the moment. 

"Your right hand is the hand in which you give. Imagine that it is constantly reaching out, offering some part of you or your experiences as its gift. When you do not learn to receive as easily as you give, soon you run out of resources for anyone including yourself. Remember not to give yourself away"

Just hearing this makes me mad. I know I give a lot... but trust me... I am so willing to receive. Or at least I think I am. But perhaps I don't. How does one go about changing this? 

""By drawing this card you are about to embark into the unknown and a direction that you never considered. Remember that the direction can change without notice but that in those changes is the perfection of the rhythm of all creation"

I just have to trust that we will make the right choices when we have to. 

"You are being called to get back into balance. Parts of your life are not serving you and in fact are draining your resources. Shed what no longer serves and allow the gentle balance within the harmony of the One to fill you until you overflow and that harmony touches everything around you."

I think my problem is that if he does take the new job and we start making more money. I will no longer have the drive I do now in my own Tarot career. Right now my drive is to help support my family. But if that is taken away.... then what?

Yup this is me. I want me and my husband to be happy doing what we do. He carries the weight of the world on his shoulders. That responsibility sometimes renders him stressed and withdrawn. If he does not like his job... then it will effect the family. I don't want to see that happen to our future. I call out to Goddess. Please hear me. 

I don't know what I want. I have no idea what you want of me. All I know is I want to be fulfilled and happy. I want our family to be full of love and happiness. I want to be provided for not only our needs but to flourish and enjoy everything that life has to offer because I know we would be grateful. I enjoy helping people... but I have to admit I do give myself away. It is easy for us to blame you when we do not get in return. I don't know right now how to change and bring myself back into balance... but I know that you will help show me the way. Thanks for never giving up on me.