It hurts so bad

I have no other way of dealing with my feelings right now. The waves of tears fade in and out. My heart gets tight and I can feel them well up again. Death. Astrologically Saturn is teaching us some hard lessons right now. My page was taken away because I loved it so much. Maybe it wasn't love after all. Just a running scared rendition of the pain that I was trying to wittle out of my soul.

My page was a way that I could process the world around me and within me. It went down at 13,011. It is Justice, whether I can see it or not. But it hurts so bad. 

I remember when I was a floral designer... I've done so many funerals. I saw the blank stares. The vacant bodies being walked around by some force they had no choice but to surrender to... It is a lonely process. 

Your world has ended and the show keeps going on... without you. Then the sadness mixes with anger. In all my years servicing Death I have learned one thing: We just don't want to be forgotten. Everything gets swallowed up eventually. The Wold ends up eating the Sun in the end and everything gets put back from which it came. 

As much as I would like to think that what I did was special. It wasn't. Just me fighting with myself in front of thousands of people without shame. It was just a Facebook page. But it was my life too. But that is over now. I've cried and cried. Crying isn't enough... I needed to write. I am a writer you know. I just do really well at avoiding doing it. The Tarot of the Circus is in me somewhere ready to come out. Where do I even start? I can't even think of that right now... the World is still spinning. 

That page was not mine. Just recycled ideas from the cosmos. Other people's ideas. It is time to make something of my own. But it is scary. 

The cards re-assure me that I have the Ten of Cups and Pentacles. I should be happy. My page helped me get there. Seven of Swords, Five of Pentacles.... story of my life. Fucked up and left out. My childhood was so sad and lonely. I guess it stuck with me. I don't want to be stuck there anymore... I want to be stuck in love. Right now I am between the bars. 

Stuck in Love

It hurts so bad. I can't stop my mind. The change is killing me. Slowly... drawing out like a blade. Please I beg you for help.. please help this pain go away. I remember when one of my friends got murdered by some crack head. He broke in to find something and ended up stabbing her in the neck and throat 50 times with a kitchen knife. I heard the sirens next door and ran through the woods towards the lights. Her mother stood there. Frozen in time. I wrapped my arms around a shell of a person. She was just as lifeless as the bloody body on the floor. Many people died that day. WHY? WHY?! We scream. What does it all mean? How can someone learn to love again after such horrors? But I guess that is what it is all about. Going from broken to whole over and over again for the sake of experiencing it. I will grow stronger from this. Life doesn't really give us much of a choice. 

I just need to change my emotions. Five of Cups. Oh man I feel like I am going to throw up. All I can do is trust.... trust trust trust that I am loved and there is a reason to all this madness. There is a great order to my seemingly chaos. Two Four of Wands show that this is an initiation. A marriage between the spiritual and physical worlds. I need people right now... but I don't know how to be around them. What a strange world we live in where we need people but it is the hardest thing to do is really connect. 

*Sobbing*

I have to believe that it wasn't for nothing. It served it's purpose. And now it is over. Cry cry cry until the tears dry up into a desert wasteland. 

“Heart is in the ocean.
Feet are in the mountains. 
Head is in the clouds.”

I have to get through this. And I will get through this. 

\

The pain in my stomach is almost unbearable. Where are my sisters? 13,011 people I worked so hard for... and where are they now. Like then end of the Truman Show... when everyone just changes the channel. No one showing up at my funeral. Still here in the middle of nowhere... I have learned how to be solitary.... but that is not how live is meant to be lived. 

I suppose it is time to go out into the world. This world doesn't need saving... I did. I am brave enough to do anything... strong enough to live through anything... except my own life. 

I now tie all of this energy down. I bind you now. Thank you for your service... I have learned so much but I no longer need you. I need to move on with my life. As painful as it is... I have to say good-bye.