Catastrophic Awakening

Galena And Fluorite

I know I brought this upon myself. People think it is so silly my love of crystals. But the way I look at it... if I am going to train myself on how to focus my intention.... why not do it by gazing upon something so natural and sparkly!!!

Something was coming up for me... big time unconsciously.

I wanted to speed up the process. I had gotten my Moldavite back from a friend... and I had obtained some Fulgurite from the rock shop. I was done with it all. I wanted to be out of here. Quick however painfully.

Ask and you Shall Receive.

After a few a days of loving on my pieces I received these in my daily spread work. A Twist in the Tale. The Albino girl and her pet are creepy. Albino people are odd. They are so rare and their sightings are shocking. Not good nor bad... just out of the ordinary. 

It seems that what was coming up for me on the inside was being reflected to me on the outside within a relationship I was having. The Judgement card came up along with my favorite card in the whole wide world the Six of Pentacles in the Deviant Moon deck. 

I love love love this card. The man has risen from the flames victorious. Cold dead handed people solute him. No longer Zombies trying to kill me. But a respect from the dead and haunted. 

He is Crowned. 

I asked for enlightenment... and that is what I got. 

The Strength card warns me... You will have to be strong. But you are creating it. It may be a Foolish move... but the Chariot says "If you want to go further on your path faster... you will have to face this."

Life is tough man. But with the Strength card is a willingness to tackle the hard stuff. 

The relationship I had manifested before me was what I had asked for in order to learn a more deeper lesson. This person who is before me... who once looked so much like me... is now revealed as nothing like me. 

"We accept the love we think we deserve"

Let me rephrase...

"We attract the love we think we deserve"

I wanted peace. Mentally and Emotionally. I wanted Truth. Justice. 

The cards had given me a warning that the Sun was coming up... and the light was going to cast upon the darkness. What did it reveal for me???

My parents. Of course. My conservative business man authoritative father and my martyr mother. At this moment I didn't quit have a handle on it. I had no idea of what was unfolding in front of me. But the Two of Pentacles said... be flexible and go with it. 

The Nine of Pentacles and the Page of Pentacles. I had no idea what these cards meant to me at the time. 

I asked for this in Temperance. I picked the rocks to say... BURST IT OPEN!!!! And I guided my experiences with my intent. With the choices I was making. 

Subconsciously I was asking for the right people to come in my life to help me along. To help carve my soul. 

How else are we defined if not by other people?

What was behind that Veil? What was it that I did not know? That I just couldn't put my finger on?

I have found bits and pieces of information here and there. Like my birth chart says that my biggest influence in my life is my mother. Or that my birth card is the Five of Swords. I always felt scared. I never trusted myself. I felt inside that the world was a scary place. My confidence was my biggest challenge in my life. I would switch back and forth from being confident to hating myself. 

I was so divided. 

I felt lost all the time. When I was younger I was diagnosed with frontol lobe epilepsy (Petite Mal Seizures they called them)... and then later ADHD. It is amazing what labels can to to us. The label of "epilepsy" as a child rendered me feeling incompetent and stupid. "Spacey". 

I heard things like, "She doesn't listen."

I listened all right. I just didn't want to listen to YOU.  So I listened to the Universe. It was so much nicer to me than you were. 

It always has been and it will continue to. Unlike you. 

When I was older in middle school my body started to reflect the way she felt. My mother my mirror. She hated herself. How could I learn to love myself when my mother hated herself so much. How would she ever allow me to love myself... when she couldn't love herself. 

How dare I. 

A Narcissistic Hypochondriac. There was always "something" wrong with me. Because I was a reflection of her. How does this happen? How did this cycle start? 

No one else saw it. She had her mask and wore it well. My siblings still under her spell don't see it. My enabler father sees it but won't acknowledge it. All those years. No one in this physical world will ever know what I went through with my mother. 

My poor dysfunctional family. 

What a cracked way to enter the world.

My mom is a Scorpio and will die with her secrets. She has chosen to remain in the grave for her secrets. Her decision to deny dark parts of herself led to the abuse she projected on me. Is she aware of this? Most likey not. Afterall.... she is the victim here. 

She has done no wrong. It is never her fault. There is no past for you.

There was always a double meaning to everything she ever said to me. It was always so confusing... the things that she said seemed nice... but they always made me feel so awful. 

I don't think my mom meant what she did. In Truth she was highly unconscious of it... and will be to this day. Because she chooses to be that way. 

My mom struggled with her own sexuality. She had a hard time accepting her body. She attracted a critical husband. He attracted her because she was wounded. Just like his mom. Everyone was just playing out their conditioning. 

She squelched my femininity. Simply because she disowned her own. She was terrified of the world. I had a new perspective on this "return of the feminine"... now. It isn't about the oppression from the Man... it is about the wounding of the Woman. It is about balance. We see this reflected in our religions today in the Macrocosm. 

We all get wounded. Our wounds may come from the bullet but we die from the hole. Rejuvenation.  Healing. My mother taught me that our bodies were sinful. Dirty. And that we are ugly. And undeserving.

My mom rolls her eyes when she is given diamonds. She scoffs when she is told she looks nice that day. And she resented me for being able to receive a compliment. She hated my inner entitlement to self worth. I was her complete opposite. Everything she wanted to be but her demons would never allow her to. 

I suppose consciously or unconsciously she punished me for that. Whatever one it is... it doesn't matter anymore. 

She is living in her own created Hell... waiting to leave this world to enter a new one. I suppose to each their own. 

I choose to create my heaven on earth... and in order to do that I am willing and strong enough to face my demons. And the Truth is... I don't have any. They were all inherited from my parents. 

I was attracting the love that I was conditioned to receive. This is the cycle. But I am breaking the chains. 

I suppose though I have her to thank. Because she is so fucked in the head... she made me fucked in the head and I found the cure. However frustrating the search has been I've found you. And in you I found me. 

I suppose this label... had freed me this time. I am the one doing the labeling now. 

These are the things that I am mom:

Beautiful

Worthy

Loving

Deserving

Smart

Funny

I forgive you and release you for not being able to define yourself this way. But I am no longer going to allow you to punish me for your inability to. 

And by doing this... I make sure that my daughter gets the best of me. And that I can allow her to be herself. And encourage her. Love her. And show her by example how I want her to feel about herself. 

And that's on me. But I accept the challenge. 

Because I am stronger than you. I thank you for that. You taught me nothing but self doubt... That we are broken terrible people that need to be punished... and that if we endure the pain we will go to heaven... when we die. 

I've died so many times. Hence why I am referred to as an old soul and you have the mentality of a teenager. I am sorry that you could never forgive the people that hurt you. Let me show you how. 

The Sun shines brightly on me. Consciously and Subconsciously. I own the World Consciously and Subconsciously. I have taken a stand against being fearful and weak. Scared and tired. 

Everyone is so broken. The feminine has been broken. And now the Truth us out. She painted the picture the picture in my head that my dad was the monster. My siblings still under this spell. He really is a good man. 

It is weird that way you know. The spells we cast with words. The power we have over others. The influence we have. Whatever you are. Whatever label you choose for yourself. Make it a good one. 

Now I am more balanced. I have died on the cross yet again. To come to terms with something means to start to accept and deal with a difficult situation. 

And now I am free. To fly. 

If you enjoyed e sharing my breakthrough please tell me. I could really use some encouragement at this time. Because I am at the time in my life that I am willing to receive it. 

*Blessed Be*

Seven of Swords