Big Foot

Being a sensitive, when I first moved here to Wyoming, I was overwhelmed by the hunting world. Every single home had dead stuffed animals in it.

It was shocking for me. I couldnt for the life of me see why anyone would want their home to have dead animals in it. Determined to learn, I asked questions to my husband's cousin who hunted Elk.

It is a fine art, Elk hunting. The level of respect you learn from the wildlife is priceless. In time, I came to understand that the head was not some form of barbaric egotism, but a symbol of deep respect.

This cousin, also hunted bobcat. He trains his own houndogs and can trace any track.

This guy knows the terrain. He can spot a track... he hears the noises of the woods and can talk back.

This man, has seen the tracks of bigfoot.

You dont believe me?

This man, being deeeply spiritual has a soul that yearns for the hunt. This man's universe showed him the mystical that is of his world.

He said when he saw them, the hair's on his body stood on end and a cold shimmer of fear rolled over his body. That was one track he was reluctant to follow.

Something so mythical became his reality... Truly.

The experience overall, deepened his faith in everything unkown and mysterious.

I think God does this for everyone. We get glimpeses of the mystery.... in our own language of our own world.

One will see Angels, one would see forest Gnomes or Fairies. To say one is possible and rule out others would be wrong. If my cousin can see Bigfoot's track then I can see Trolls.

I am so close to the veil I get confused with what is real and what is not. What is my imagination and what is Truth.

It is what we believe of our imagination that becomes an experience in our lives. And I have a huge imagination.

I believe my cousin has a huge imagination. As he learned about the woods and saw the amazing way it interconnected it sparked magic.

When I learn about my Tarot cards, the times that they just speak to me are the times that my heart feels like it is bursting with Joy.

That's when the magic happens.

I am an Aquarius... I am very Airy. My head is most ALWAYS in the clouds. Getting grounded has always been a challenge for me. Earthly, practical people are annoyed with me. 

I thought of nothing but sugar tarts and fluffy bunnies. I always turned my blind eye to anything dark and violent.

My thoughts on it were that if I gave it no attention, no power, it could not hurt me.

In short, it didnt exist to me.

I was 1600 feet below the Earth's surface yesterday. Here in Wyoming, they have Trona mines. These mines, are basically the only reason people live here. Many people have made a wondeful living with their families here.

I got to go to family day for my husband's father's job.

I got to put on a hard hat and earplugs and plunge 650 feet a minute down towards the center of the Earth.

Being down there was a very grounded feeling. Everything was solid and settled all around you. Rock that hadnt moved in over 30 years.

I couldnt help but imagine our tour guides at little moles in their tunnels. My body felt dense and heavy as we walked around. My mind felt calm and I had a feeling of safety and security.

At that moment I had an understanding of the Empress card. The planet Earth and how it nourishes us. Whether we are mining Trona, Corn, Oil, or Gold, it resources are infinite.

The whole suit of Pentacles is about this. Everything that is dense and solid, secure, and grounded. Physical manifestations. Money, homes, sustenance, and survival.

I can imagine that the Ten of Pentacles is sitting pretty fat and happy. Right now, I see my life as the Four of Pentacles. Im holding on. I feel the fear of lack and I am clenched up on everything. I am the reversed Six of Penatacles... I am not giving or receiving... I am at a standstill.

My Father in Law has worked at that mine for 30 years. He, being a Capricorn, is very Earthy, Grounded, Practical, Hard Working, and interprets the world on a very dense phsyical plane.

Before getting to mine, I jokingly said I wanted to see Gnomes and Glowing Crystals down there. He, in his most serious voice, said it wasnt a magic cave, it was a mine.

I just shook my head and laughed at the sense of humor God has for giving him a daughter in law like me.

August 24, 2011 Tarot Reading

Present: The High Priestess (Reversed)

Doors are becoming unlocked. Secrets are being revealed to me... understanding at a deep level.

All my hard work is starting to pay off. I am finally making connections to form the whole picture.

Problem: Eight of Cups

An emotional situation that I want to walk away from. I think all these revelations I have been making regarding my struggle with ADHD can finally be put to rest. (See previous blog for more info)

Above: Ten of Swords (Reversed)

I am no longer going to berate myself with my thoughts about myself and this issue. I am who I am.... and I am not ashamed.

Below: Nine of Swords

This card is what keeps us up in the night. Anxiety. Bad dreams. Unconscious beliefs and thought forms that attack our psyche. 

Those bad thoughts I harbored within me about myself has tortured me.

Past: Hermit (Reversed)

I looked within for the answers... and the High Priestess has delivered.

Future: Ace of Cups (Reversed)

Now is the time to usher in a new way of feeling about myself. More acceptant and love... more confident and joy.

Yippe : )

Affecting Me: Nine of Pentacles (Reversed)

I think I still harbor a little resistance and fear that I cannot create my heaven on earth... that I can plant the seeds that grow into my garden of eden.

I will work on that ; )

External Influences: Five of Wands

VICTORY!!!

The community is lifting me up with support.

Hopes and Fears: King of Wands (Reversed)

Kings, of course, having outward focus, shows that I need to be more bold, creative, assertive, and charasmatic from the inside projecting out.

I will try to release my blocks that keep these qualities in me from coming out into the world.

Final Outcome: Six of Swords

Sailing to calmer waters. Having struggled and come out victorious has laid to rest a lot of tension and anxiety I had about myself.

Know Thyself.

Know that I know myself just a little bit more, I can now calm my emotional waters...

Perfect.

Addiction vs Self-Medicating

This topic is sensitive for me. I have ADHD. I have it bad too. I have struggled with it my whole life. It has effected my whole world from my education, to friends, and a plethora of life choices.

Over the years, I have done a LOT of self-medicating. Caffeine, diet pills, marijuana, just to name a few.

Managing my ADHD has been a bumpy road and I feel I still never have a handle on it... for years it went undiagnosed.  Once I was, Adderall did help.... I am a advocate for medical marijuana because it does help take the "edge" off without all those icky side effects like not having an appettite or not being able to sleep.

Working with the Devil card and Addictions, I always wondered to myself, "Do I really have this or is it all in my head?"

Definition of Self-Medication

Definition of Addiction

Now let me add here, that I am a spiritual person and have always thought that deep down, we all are made perfect... wrong thinking, wrong action, and  wrong belief are the source of all our imbalances and suffering.

This of course totally contradicted my issue with ADHD. I have to remember, that my life is not in my head nor up in the clouds... it is also here on earth. It is my biology... it came with me when I received this body.

It is a part of me but not part of my soul. My soul is perfect, my body... errrrr not so much.

And although I have tried A LOT of different methods of self-medicating whether it was alchohol, pot, or even food, I do NOT have an addiction problem.

WHEW. That felt really good to nail down.

For years, I beat myself up wanting to know WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME!!!!

Why did it seem SO HARD to live... why was everything a struggle. If anyone who reads this is ADHD, you would understand.

God has a plan for all of us. In my quest to "fix" myself, I studied psychology, biology, medicines, holistic healing, religion, and a whole bunch of avenues in order to help myself when no one else would.

But in the end, I understand A LOT more about people and how to help others. Whether it is medicine, cognitive behavior therapy, addiction, lack of God in your life, or maybe all of these combined, I understand.

When someone goes to the doctor now a days, they slap them with Welbutrin and send em packing with a have a nice day.

Depression, in most cases is an effect from something else. Period. Treating the depression alone helps no one.

One of my previous posts talked about the benefits of spiritual fasting and what I have personnally learned from it when it comes to addiction... if I have EVER been addicted to anything, I would say it was food. Food was my socially acceptable, legal drug.

Health is a combination of balance, self-control, and the Grace of God. I may have received a body with ADHD this go around... but God doesnt make mistakes... there is perfection in the imperfect. The road I walked although full of pain and struggles, has forced me to search and learn in the fields I was interested to help become the person I am today.

I have always been good with people. I am a natural communicator. I can get anyone to talk... about anything. I wanted to be a counseler as a child. I wanted to help people. My ADHD destroyed my chance of an education. I then, worked as a floral designer at a flower shop.

Flowers=emotion. I sold emotions. Birthdays, holidays, life, death, I'm sorry's and everything in between. Whether it was taking an order for a casket spray from a woman who just lost her daughter or watching a young man pick up his prom corsage I was there for it all and everyone.

I was a mini therapist and I got to play with flowers. How awesome is that?

God then led me to Tarot. My study in Tarot was relentless and intense and is never ending. Along with that, I studied psychological studies as well as healing therapies of all kinds.

My quest to fix myself had given me the tools to helps others in ways that I never thought possible.

Thank you God.

Reading Material:

 Marijuana

ADHD and Addiction

Learning Techniques

http://mypurplestuff.com/

Energy and ADHD

August 23, 2011 Tarot Reading

I am starting the day fresh! All this trouble, struggle, excitement, victory, and success has filled me full of energy and spirit! Let's see what the cards have to tell me today.

Present: Five of Swords

Hold onto what I have learned.

Problem: Page of Wands

This page is courageous, outgoing, confident, enthusiastic, and creative.... it is time to embrace that in myself.

Above: Hermit (Reversed)

I am through searching my soul... I have gone within and have found what I was looking for.

Below: Three of Cups (Reversed)

A celebration... party.... rejoicing.  Yup. I plan to have more of that.

Past: Ace of Cups (Reversed)

In the past, I was not allowing a new emotional current in my life... or basically, I needed to let more love into my life.

Future: Eight of Swords

Eep. This doesnt seem like a card I want in my future. This card is of restriction, powerlesness, and confusion.

Feeling victimized, persecuted, needing guidance and clarity.

I really dont know what to say at this point... I hate to see this in my future when everything is going so well. All I can say is whatever is on the forefront I will take on knowing that it is for the highest good.

Affecting Me: The Fool

I walking on air... walking on sunshine. I am starting a new cycle in my life. I have been through a cycle of death, decay, and rebirth and now I am renewed, refreshed, and ready to go.

External Influences: The Magician

I think this card is telling me to be careful. That my body and spirit are working like a well oiled machine... things are going to be materializing quite fast now. I need to use good judgement of thoughts and desires now as they will "stick".

Hopes and Fears: Six of Wands (Reversed)

I am worried that this feeling of victory will not last. I hope that I will be able to hold these lessons that I have been learning. Fear that I might backslide.

Final Outcome: The Hierophant

Again the Hierophant is saying: BELIEVE

--------------------------

Lesson Learned, Reward Received

I started this blog because I wanted to show people close to me and far what it is about the Tarot that I love so much. Despite the bad rap it has and my own personnal experiences of being called, "An abomination to the Lors," I studied it with great vigor. Me being an Aquarius I LOVE to wrap my brain around complicated ideas.... and Tarot ALWAYS kept me interested despite my low attenion span.

Yesterday I wrote about the Two of Cups strongly influencing my life. Yesterday, I made an internal change... I moved a chess piece and my board changed. Thanks to the guidance of the Tarot that is.

Life delivered to me exactly want I wanted... the very thing I was afraid of. Friends.

The Tarot opened my eyes to the fact that I was the only one standing in my to lettting people close to me. Once I realized that, there they were. If you build it, they will come.

I spent last night in a circle with three other "like minded" souls and I felt at home for the first time in ..... well forever.

It was a magical night. The energy swirled between us and we talked as if we had all known each other for years... The best part of the night was when I said, "All we need is a cauldron in the middle and we could be a coven of witches." 

I then said, "well I know I am air, and you are earth, what are you guys."

Fire and water they replied. Perfect. My fantasies are finally becoming my reality. A circle of trust.

This is why I work with the Tarot... it makes magic happen. I was so happy last night that I came home and couldnt sleep a wink. I drew a spread but I couldnt even focus on it I was so giddy... So I decided to leave it and look at it today....

So here we go:

Present: Queen of Cups

The queen of cups is loving, intuitive, tender, possesses psychic abilities... she is open and feels the oneness of all that is. She is always there for someone in need and is gentle and sensitive.

I think this is wonderful because that is exactly how I felt last night. The connection to other people opened up channels in me that made my heart race. I felt that at that moment everything was right.

Problem: Ten of Cups

I wouldnt call this a "problem" per se... more like "the current issue"....

This guy has got a shit eating grin on his face from ear to ear... he is so happy with himself.

He is elated. He know he has succeded and he is damn proud of it.

Above: Temperance

This is what happens when you temper your emotions. I have finally learned what the means.

Below: Empress

I am allowing the physical plane to manifest my needs in all areas of my life. This earth can and will supply me with ANYTHING...

Past: Four of Cups

I spoke of this card before. I was having a "sit in" on my feelings. No, I will choose NOT to feel this way or I may not have a choice to feel this way, but I am not going to identify myself with it. I might feel overwhelmed.... but I am not going to allow it to consume me.

Future: Devil

I am telling the devil to take a hike. I am winning the great battle. All my pain, fear, doubt, and addictions are finally getting under control through my hard work and will.

Affecting Me: Ace of Pentacles

Something new is manifesting on the physical plane. A dream of mine has been made into my reality through my faith and hope.

External Influences: Two of Wands (Reversed)

I am no longer waiting. My ship is coming in... I can make my world what I want... I am the writer of my own story, an artist against a canvas.

Hopes and Fears: Five of Wands (Reversed)

The battle is over... I can truly relax now and enjoy the fruits of my labor.

Final Outcome: Seven of Cups (Reversed)

I can finally stop living in the fantasy world in my head... my dream is becoming real.

----------------

Perfect!

Another Tarot Reading

So now it is later in the day, and of course, my fears and doubts are trying to give me a hit. We borrowed $100 from my mother in law to put in the bank and I got a late fee from a payment I believe was on time in the mail.

The hits just keep on coming. So I need to draw another spread to see what is going on...

Here we go.

Spread: Celtic Cross Spread

Oh my Lord. This is gonna be good. Okay here we go.

Present: Two of Cups

AGAIN! (If you have been reading my posts, you would understand why this is soooo exciting to me.

So I went and got the shots for my daughter with the neighbor which was a HUGE load off my mind... it was needing to get done and I have a hard time getting out of my head and DOING things. Plus I am squimish when it comes to that stuff.

I made my friend hold my daughter and I was glad I did cause as the nurse went at her with the needle she clenched and contorted and starting screaming. If I was holding her, I would have LOST IT.

Let me take a moment to tell you why this card seems so amazing to me at this point. I just moved here. To Lyman Wyoming.
I moved here a year ago exactly from Chicago.
That is a biiiiiig change. My husband was born and raised in Wyoming. We met in San Diego where I worked as a floral designer.... Clayton, my hubby was in the Navy.

I knew no one here but my in laws. And a couple of cousins here and there of my husband's.

Needless to say, I was ALONE. We moved here for my hubby's job at the windmills.

I had a four year old and a 3 month old and got pregnant two months after we got here. I spent the ENTIRE winter in Wyoming in a house pregnant with two kids.

NOT FUN

So the fact that this card is telling me that I need to get involved with my community and find connections for support through people tells me a WHOLE LOT.

Oh and I also just realized that my mother in law giving us the $100 to put in our bank account is another way that I am getting supported by people around me.

How Blessed am I people?

Problem: Three of Swords

Thoughts that hurt my heart. Torturing myself with my mind. Letting my thoughts overpower my heart.

Yup. Nuf said. Exactly why I drew this spread... my thoughts of doubts and thoughts of fear are over ruling what I know is true in my heart.

Above: Judgement

WAKE UP!

Hahaaa. Wake up Mandy and realize that this is it. Stop idolizing the power of money and embrace the love. (I know that sounds sooooo corny) I have support up in heaven and now I realize I have it down here on earth.

Everything is fine.

Below: Seven of Swords (Reversed)

Okay how creepy is that? My last spread had Seven of Swords Reversed in the "Future" position... now it is Below me...

Below me means what is manifested right now. What is here on earth. (Above being the opposite what is in our thoughts that may become our future reality below)

This card is telling me that I am having these thoughts of fears and doubts because I will not CHOOSE the ones I want to give power to. I am letting ALL the thoughts have free reign....

Recent Past: Kinght of Swords (Reversed)

Lot of action going on. Yup that sounds about right... Woke up this morning and all hell broke loose... news of money packing the kids up and getting Logan ready for school it was like a whirlwind!

This card is also letting me know that in the recent past I did not "take charge" of my thoughts. I let my thoughts "take charge of me".

Yes, yes I see that now, thank you Tarot for reminding me.

Future: The Heirophant

Belief Systems. My reality is the product of all that I believe. I have to challenge those thoughts and beliefs that threaten my security and safety once and for all.

Do I want to believe in struggle and poverty?

No I dont. So I need to take a stance and refuse the thoughts that encourage the growth of that seed in my mind.

I must decide what stipulations my reality is based on.

Affecting Me: Ten of Cups (Reversed)

78 cards and I get three cards two spreads in a row IN THE SAME PLACE! .... if that is not magical I dont know what is.

However this time it is reversed.... Seems like all the positive energy I was feeling when I drew my spread this morning got sucked right out of me as I allowed my thoughts of fear and doubt over rule the knowledge in my heart.

I forgot to be grateful.... I forgot that all is well...

External Influences: Ace of Swords (Reversed)

A new beginning of thinking is taking over me.... if I allow it that is...

Hopes and Fears: The Sun (Reversed)

Darn it Darn it Darn it.... okay confession... I did a reading last night that I did not blog... I had to I was all over the place yesterday... I cant remember the whole spread but the sun was in the "problem" position... it was telling me that I am not letting my light shine...

Here it is again reminding me to let go and be me. Let my light shine... be childlike and innocent. Have fun and let my energy flow easily... be who I was created to be without shame. To know that I was created with the intention of love and happiness and ease.... I am the only one standing in the way of myself.

I am so afraid of just being me... being me honestly with myself and show that person to others.

Final Outcome: Knight of Wands

A message of the Spirit! How exciting! This knight is daring, courageous, adventurous, passionate, a risk taker at heart and fears NOTHING!

I must embrace the energy of the Knight of Wands.... laugh in the face of danger and seek adventure!!!!

-------------------

Awesome. Thank you Tarot... for the reassurance and support.

Spiritual Fasting

My last post/reading in regards to my fear of money goes well with my experience of fasting. So I want to talk about that for a little bit.

I recently had my third child... and for any of you that knows me, I do NOT take pregnancy well.

As with every human being, I have my own addictions. It jumps around be it medicinal, recreational, or or simply indulging in pleasure.

Being pregnant really limits the types of addiction you can continue. One however that is okay is FOOD.

My tiny frame of usually 125 pounds blows up to 215 every single time.

I do not like being fat. I can FEEL how unhealthy I am when I get fat. I am sluggish, lazy, and my confidence is in the shitter.

When I am lazy and sluggish I dont move much which traps me inside of my head where the voices berate me for being all these things: FAT LAZY=WORTHLESS

Then what do I do to soothe the pain of these voices? I reach for more food. Ah the destructive cycle of addiction. Addiction is when you look for comfort, soothing, nourishment, and love in anything outside of yourself.

So, I decided to research spiritual fasting. I knew that it a long time traditions to many cultures and religions.

I really didnt know what to expect really. First I started off eating smaller meals... then gradually I starting skipping meals... then I starting to eat only healthy foods...

All the while I listened to these voices in my head. I really listened. You are hungry... eat. You are sad... eat.
You are BORED EAT!

My struggle with temptation made my heart go out to all the people who kick a heroin addiction.

Sometimes I would win.... and sometimes I would lose... once I had an all out unconscious bing. This is the point where I would then beat myself up and give up.

I chose to ask for forgiveness. I forgave myself for my slip up and told myself that I should not feel bad because I was still learning.

Then I told myself that tommorrow I will do just a little bit better than today.

And I did.

In the moments when I was wrenched with tempation... I gave it to God.  I prayed and said this is stronger than me. I am weak... help me find stregnth. That's all I needed to do and I got a boost.

Now i recognize that these are not new ideas. All religions all the way to the 12 step program have this concept. But I am challenging you by asking: Do you ever DO IT.... and not just THINK about it?

Then I was down to eating almonds and turkey and fruit all day. Now, I have only had liquids for a week.

Now may I say I DO eat when I really want to. But I limit myself to a taste... I do it in honor of all that supplied it to me. The God, the Earth, the Farmer, the Worker Bee, the Chef, my Husband for working hard, everyone... and I enjoy every sensation of that small bite.

I take my vitamins and I drink plenty of water. And to all you health nuts out there who say "oh that is so bad for your body." Let me ask you this: What do you really know about health?

I was carrying about 50 extra pounds of weight on my body... and I felt every bit of it... physically and emotionally.

That is not healthy.

That extra fifty pounds of "stored energy" is enought to sustain me through this fasting experience.

So now I am here to tell you what I have learned:

Everytime you win a battle over your addiction it gets easier and easier.

It makes you more aware of your body and its biology.

It makes you realize just how little it takes for you to survive and how much exess you truly have.

It makes you realize that you get nourishment from another source.

It teaches you self control and self discipline.

Makes you recognize bad habits and the source of the connecting thought forms.

It lets you see the meaning of self-sacrifice.

This situation with my car as I discussed in my previous post, was a perfect time to understand the connection for myself. I can thrive on very little and that small amount will always be supplied to me.

I cut ties to my bad habits that drove a wedge between me and myself.

The self destructive patterns were interrupted long enough to see them in the light.

I have dropped a lot of weight. How much, I couldnt tell you. I have dropped inside and outside. My body is returning to is pre-child shape and I am feeling more alive and nourished than I EVER did overeating.

I encourage anyone to explore fasting.  If you need a support buddy to walk you through it, I am happy to supply my services and experience to you. : )