Gifted.... or crazy

This is something I have struggled with my entire life.

I have been diagnosed with epilepsy and adhd.

As a child, I didnt pay attention.

said my teacher.

I was busy looking at everything else.

I may have these things they say I have... but I have so much because of it. Call me an "Indigo child"... defiant, rebellious.... An Aquarius.

There is nothing wrong with me. I hust have different skills... talents.

This school system doesnt know how to handle someone like me. Someone who always seemed to outwit the system.

That's the way it was... after I asked... But why?

No one could ever give me a sound answer to those types of questions. It usually led to a frustrated adult getting upset and just saying BECAUSE.

Here I am 27 years old mother of three and I am now trying to figure out how to navigate them through a world I never felt I belonged in. Tricky.

Doctors would say I have had a lifetime of trauma that led to a lot of dissociation... and I would agree.

Mr. Toad's wild ride my life has been.

But I was always smart... despite what anyone said. This I believed.

Edgar Cayce said that one trait of a psychic is having a condition that one tries to remedy themselves.

This type of introspection leads down gates of healing.  Self-actualization.

My road to my self-healing taught me a lot of great knowledge and self-knowledge... try not to confuse the two.

I am smart, Adhd, psychic, crazy? Epilepsy? To which I reply... yes... with a smirk curled on my lips.

I may be all these things, and I am still smiling. Beat that.

My trials of course were not in vain... I now have learned to use Tarot cards to help people through difficult times in their lives. A skill that wells in my heart.

Tarot, of course, was a way to understand myself. Once I understood myself everything else was easy. Being human, I could relate to anyone. The Tarot maps out the human condition and psychological pathways to self-actualization.

But dont put these before God. They are just cards.... and ink.

This is not my power, but a power gifted to me... arranged by the all knowing universe... before I was born.

We often fight our destinies... our destiny requires us to be all that makes us an individual.... and lets face it... indivduality is scary.

It takes guts to be that much yourself.

I let raw my heart and soul for you all... this is who I was meant to be... I am perfect in the divine's eye.

A perfect individual... with all that it took took to make me this way. All the experiences and the human condition.

I wouldnt have agreed to all this pain and suffering unless I felt the prize was worth it.

With all the suffering I know that the reward will be worth every single second of it. Bring it on.

I always knew this... I just got confused along the way... says Alice to the Rabbit.

I won.

Within all of us is a innate desire to not give up. To persevere.

In my eyes persistance is the most important thing you can possess... over everything else. If you are persistant... you will always be trying.

Some people say insanity is repeating behaviors attempting to make a change. That is insane...

You have to change. The world is perfect. With all its grittiness. Its amazing what someone can live through.

Just sit in some AA meetings.

That is our job now... to help usher in anyone who is still learning. Help them to change. Whether you are energy worker, light worker, therapist, doctor, or a guy selling balloons on the side of the road... if you try to take care of others you are okay in my book.

We all find this place. Eventually.

The Magician

Lately, I have come to understand that I was born with Christ in my heart.

Years and years of confusion was put to rest this week.  I always struggled with Jesus. Who he was.  I still dont know all about his life and I especially dont want to have anything to do with his death.

I grew up around Christianity. I went to youth groups where my friends were telling me to just accept Jesus in my heart.

Even then, at my young age, I looked at them like programmed robots.

I had a soul, a voice, and a relationship with my inner sun. I had the vibration of my true self and had the energy of "Jesus" in my heart.

I did, however, have a lot of Christians that were told the stories their entire life and based the construct of their belief system to navigate their way through life on them.

Some went to Christianity out of guilt and fear.

I on the other hand... being an Aquarius was rebellious and stubborn and had an innate knowledge that it couldnt be that simple to just say this little prayer. So I started studying everything and anything I could get my hands on. Tarot, of course, tickled everything I needed to understand and a little bit of everything.

Once you know a little bit about everything you start making connections.

I pulled a spread this morning and the Magician taught me more deeply what it means to be responsible for your life.

- Our emotions that stem from the heart of how we really feel about something
- Our thoughts of how we create our perceptions of ourselves and others.
- Our focus and what we build and how we chose to participate in the world
- Our spirit... our imagination and inspirations.... what vibration we are adding to the world.

You learn to get your shit together to allow the flow of the universe to run through you.

To jump on the track that all of nature abides by.  We, as humans, are given consciousness of self. That is why they say we "turned from God."

We then in turn are given a choice to turn towards him again. To learn the laws of nature and plug ourselves back into it.

Using tools like our will, our strength, our focus, our thoughts, and our feelings to adjust ourselves to hear the beat of the music that everything is driven by... To gain its knowledge and respect the laws.

Whether it be the macro of the circling of the planets or the micro organism that aids digestion.

If you know one thing, you know it all.

Responsibilities

Tarot has been leading me to look at my responsibilites in my life. Towards my kids, my husband, my friends and family.

I have come to realize the responsibility I have to discipline my kids as I have talked about in my last post.

But now I think about the responsibility I have to my husband. He just called from being away on a job for three days.

I need to be more responsible for him.

I have a duty to myself to keep myself in check. To be responsible for my own happiness. How aweful it must be for some husbands to come home to an unhappy wife.

My poor husband has been dealing with an unhappy pregnant wife for the last two years.

No longer am I that wife. Now I will be the rock. The anchor that keeps our family together and happy.

I am now ready to be his support and my children's example to follow.

I am responsible for my life and for how I affect everyone in my life.

I will be happy for them as well as for myself.

Being happy isnt selfish. It is the best thing you can do for the world.

Ethics

A reading takes time. You have to allow it to marinate in the brain. The meaning has to seep down into you. You have to wait until you are conscious of what it is trying to tell you. Hindsight is always... 20/20.
My readings bloom. They plant a seed. My only hope is that i have the openess to plant the right seeds when it is needed the most. Whether for me or anyone else. Responsibility.
One must be responsible for their own development. To work for meaning in anything is all up to you... not delivered from anyone or anything.
The meaning comes from inside then is validated on the outside.
To be a Tarot reader one must abide by the same rules as of a judge, a cop, or a teacher. They all must work with inegrity and magnanimity.
It is just as important to find the right student as it is a teacher. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
How does one know when they are a Tarot reader? Do you get a badge or a certificate? No. You base your credentials on experience and experience only. Just as a doctor has their beginnings, so do Tarot readers have their learning curves.
Sometimes its dead on, others you are way out of the park. I used to take full responsibility and make the worst of it. But having the persisstance to continue the study despite the setbacks i drudged on.
Reading Tarot is a leap of faith. It is not me that makes the cards work. It is not even the cards that make them work.
I am not a fortune teller. I am a spiritual psychologist that assists you with your learning processes. I have to know the problem before i can help you.
Being a Tarot reader means having a bedside manner in which to allow a safe environment for people to feel safe enough to dig for the root of things.
Without trust, there is no love.

Happy Day Today

So I just did my first paid reading.

I have never been so happy. I have never felt so purposeful. Amazing what happens when you just do what you love. When you just follow your passions.

I wish I could shake every person's limitations from them and show them how wonderful it feels to just do what you want.

Excuses excuses I suppose.

"The idea of thinking that God would have to make this world in order to experience duality so He could appreciate and enjoy Himself, is the equivalent of the idea that in order to experience and enjoy sex you would have to also experience getting shot in the gut. No. Pain is the result of the guilt that came from thinking you separated yourself from God, and you don't have to experience pain in order to experience the pleasure of reality. But you do have to forgive pain and suffering and give it up in order to return to reality. J couldn’t be any more clear about that in his Course, and he is the one you should listen to. ~ Your Immortal Reality, Gary Renard "

Read this today.

Beautiful isnt it?

We are not meant to suffer. We are not made to have hardships. We are made to be great. Each and everyone of us.

I have had my fair share of sin, guilt, pain, and suffering.

Good thing too... otherwise I wouldnt have had the compassion to do what it is I do.

My pain was a sacrifice of a lamb. A lamb of God.

"Forgive them, for they not know what they do."

We are already forgiven... because it is our destiny to remember.

Where then is the fault? Your pain along with some work will be exalted and used in ways you cant even imagine... and you'd never be happier.

Perfection.

Absolute perfection in the design. I am awestruck.

 You know you never understand your parents until you have kids. Things just start to make sense. Then you gain a sense of gratitude.

"This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you."

Pain is beauty. There is no duality... there is only God.

Such terrible things we as humans experience in order to bring qualities like patience, persistence, compassion, forgiveness, strength, and courage.

How else could we learn such lessons?  How can anyone advance without the pressure of danger, failure, defeat, rejection, and heartache?

Just as the Devil can be sweet indulgent decadence the trials we face teach us to be humble and respectful.

The human condition is such a powerful state.

People just dont understand how planned everything truly is. Right down to the smallest detail. We are guided. We have a choice to either walk our path or get dragged along it kicking and screaming.

Your choice.

You choice as well on whether or not you can make choices to enjoy your life.

Either way, its going to happen. The unfoldment of your life. Why waste it not being happy.

Excuses Excuses. You cannot bullshit a bullshitter. I am the grand master of bullshit. I have studied bullshit for years.

To succeed or to fail. The only failure is you not figuring out who you are and what you want.

Ive seen it all. Money, mortgage, work, money money money.

Blah blah blah... what about the stories of depressed millionares?

We all know deep down that money doesnt fill any void... no matter how much money you stuff in it.

Black holes are just for that....

I had a problem for a long time trying to figure out who I was. I know now.

Finally.

Never been happier.

September 14 Tarot Reading

My husband is gone for three days at work. Over the three years of us being together, we have only spent two weeks apart. That is when he was doing training for the new job.

I kinda dont know what to do with myself.

I want to consult the cards.

Present: Lovers (Reversed)

Tarot is amazing. Yes this is just how I feel. No explanation needed here.

Challenge: Six Of Rods

I guess this time will be all about me.

Above: The Fool

I am on my own starting something new.

Below: Five of Wands

My spirit is stirring.

Past: Two of Swords

In the past I was guarding my heart and was blind. I was stuck and afraid to move.

Future: Four of Cups

A time to sit and be with my emotions. To look at things of the heart with a new perspective.

Affecting Me: Four of Swords

Rest. This is a good time to get some much needed recuperation time.

External Influences: Two of Wands (Reversed)

Take some time out to really figure out what I want.

Hopes and Fears: King of Swords

I must become comfortable within the world of the mind.

Final Outcome: Ace of Pentacles

A time to get grounded.

My Mother, My Mirror

I have been struggling lately with my oldest child, as you know from my other post. My first daught was a product of a very abusive relationship.

I worry about her a lot. I'm not sure why I do. I did a reading for someone yesterday that was a God send.

She described her relationship with her mother. Not a very good one and identical to my own.

I referred her to read a book I read, "My mother, My mirror."  It is a brilliant book. It is a book to discover the unconscious habit patterns we pick up from our mothers.  This enables them to be brought to light and changed.

The book describes several bad habit patterns from mother to daughter:

From a Review: http://www.mymothermymirror.com/overview_book_my_mother_my_mirror_fuerstein.php

Examples include such famous mother/daughter pairs as:

• Little Girl Mother and Mini Momma Daughter (Judy Garland)
• Jealous Queen Mother and Snow White Daughter (Jacqueline Onassis)
• Stage Mother and Show Girl Daughter (Natalie Wood)
• Out-at-Sea Mother and Adrift Daughter (Princess Diana)
• Spirit-Dampening Mother and Spirit-Dampened Daughter (Eleanor Roosevelt)

These carnival mirror images often lead to eating disorders, body image and sexual problems, parenting and relationship issues.
The five thought links help readers move past unhealthy inherited self-perceptions.

1. Separating mother and daughter self-images.
2. Uncovering hidden anger at the childhood mother, often based on viewing her inaccurately.
3. Uncovering hidden love for the childhood mother that might be unexpressed due to fear of disappointment.
4. Uncovering hidden sadness related to the childhood mother from either physical or emotional absence.
5. Blending the earlier thought links to create a truer self-image

My mother was a combination of Jealous Queen Mother and Spirit-Dampening Mother.  This, of course is something I had no awareness of. 

One day later in my 20's, someone referred to me in high school as "pretty."

This dumbfounded me. I had no clue. I had it my head I was ugly, fat, and annoying.

After uncovering all this stuff, I began to see myself as I really am. Beautiful. Smart.

It wasnt until I began to feel this way that my perceptions began to correct themselves...

Once my perceptions changed... my physical appearance then changed. I like to think of it as a combination of physics and biology.

A little bit of a reality shift as well as a change in physical habits.

As for my daughter, I am starting to see the pattern. I am catching myself treating her like a liar and I treat her like she is trying to fool me.

Her father did that to me. That was a hard connection to make. I am looking towards her and expecting him to come out of her. And through my expectations, I am creating it.  Well not REALLY creating it in reality, just in my perceptions.

I project onto her what I fear in her. She is just such an angel. She is beautiful and smart, just like I was.

I pray that my perceptions be healed and that I can allow my daughter to grow into who she is meant to be in your eyes.

Heal me so I can love her more the way you do.

I want to try a new spread today... I looked online for a parenting spread. But then decided to make up my own.

Her Now: The Devil (Reversed)

There is nothing in her that is bad.

Me Now: Eight of Rods (Reversed)

I lack self confidence. I am not recognizing my power. I doubt myself.

Problem: Three of Cups

Three of cups is a very happy card that speaks of friendship and community bursting with energy and joy.  Harmonious relationships. Love, support, companionship. Sensitivity and sympathy.

What I can do to change me: Death

Change. I have to change. I have to allow the reaper to come into my life and take away these perceptions.

What are my responsibilities to her: Four of swords

I usually interpret this card as rest. I think it is also saying, to sit and contemplate it. Let is rest. Step back and let Death do its work.

If I follow through with these instructions then:

Her: Three of Swords (Reversed)

I will save her from being heartbroken.

Me: Eight of Swords (Reveresed)

I will allow myself to be released from this mental bondage.

Thank you Tarot. Thank you life. Always showing me what it is I need to see regardless of how much it hurts.

Please forgive me for this ill thinking. Please heal any damage that I have inflicted on my daughter unconsciously. Please help me right where I have been wrong.

Allow us to grow closer... allow for me to love her and her to feel loved.

I ask for this miracle.

Thank you for all that you do for me.