Gifted.... or crazy

This is something I have struggled with my entire life.

I have been diagnosed with epilepsy and adhd.

As a child, I didnt pay attention.

said my teacher.

I was busy looking at everything else.

I may have these things they say I have... but I have so much because of it. Call me an "Indigo child"... defiant, rebellious.... An Aquarius.

There is nothing wrong with me. I hust have different skills... talents.

This school system doesnt know how to handle someone like me. Someone who always seemed to outwit the system.

That's the way it was... after I asked... But why?

No one could ever give me a sound answer to those types of questions. It usually led to a frustrated adult getting upset and just saying BECAUSE.

Here I am 27 years old mother of three and I am now trying to figure out how to navigate them through a world I never felt I belonged in. Tricky.

Doctors would say I have had a lifetime of trauma that led to a lot of dissociation... and I would agree.

Mr. Toad's wild ride my life has been.

But I was always smart... despite what anyone said. This I believed.

Edgar Cayce said that one trait of a psychic is having a condition that one tries to remedy themselves.

This type of introspection leads down gates of healing.  Self-actualization.

My road to my self-healing taught me a lot of great knowledge and self-knowledge... try not to confuse the two.

I am smart, Adhd, psychic, crazy? Epilepsy? To which I reply... yes... with a smirk curled on my lips.

I may be all these things, and I am still smiling. Beat that.

My trials of course were not in vain... I now have learned to use Tarot cards to help people through difficult times in their lives. A skill that wells in my heart.

Tarot, of course, was a way to understand myself. Once I understood myself everything else was easy. Being human, I could relate to anyone. The Tarot maps out the human condition and psychological pathways to self-actualization.

But dont put these before God. They are just cards.... and ink.

This is not my power, but a power gifted to me... arranged by the all knowing universe... before I was born.

We often fight our destinies... our destiny requires us to be all that makes us an individual.... and lets face it... indivduality is scary.

It takes guts to be that much yourself.

I let raw my heart and soul for you all... this is who I was meant to be... I am perfect in the divine's eye.

A perfect individual... with all that it took took to make me this way. All the experiences and the human condition.

I wouldnt have agreed to all this pain and suffering unless I felt the prize was worth it.

With all the suffering I know that the reward will be worth every single second of it. Bring it on.

I always knew this... I just got confused along the way... says Alice to the Rabbit.

I won.

Within all of us is a innate desire to not give up. To persevere.

In my eyes persistance is the most important thing you can possess... over everything else. If you are persistant... you will always be trying.

Some people say insanity is repeating behaviors attempting to make a change. That is insane...

You have to change. The world is perfect. With all its grittiness. Its amazing what someone can live through.

Just sit in some AA meetings.

That is our job now... to help usher in anyone who is still learning. Help them to change. Whether you are energy worker, light worker, therapist, doctor, or a guy selling balloons on the side of the road... if you try to take care of others you are okay in my book.

We all find this place. Eventually.

The Magician

Lately, I have come to understand that I was born with Christ in my heart.

Years and years of confusion was put to rest this week.  I always struggled with Jesus. Who he was.  I still dont know all about his life and I especially dont want to have anything to do with his death.

I grew up around Christianity. I went to youth groups where my friends were telling me to just accept Jesus in my heart.

Even then, at my young age, I looked at them like programmed robots.

I had a soul, a voice, and a relationship with my inner sun. I had the vibration of my true self and had the energy of "Jesus" in my heart.

I did, however, have a lot of Christians that were told the stories their entire life and based the construct of their belief system to navigate their way through life on them.

Some went to Christianity out of guilt and fear.

I on the other hand... being an Aquarius was rebellious and stubborn and had an innate knowledge that it couldnt be that simple to just say this little prayer. So I started studying everything and anything I could get my hands on. Tarot, of course, tickled everything I needed to understand and a little bit of everything.

Once you know a little bit about everything you start making connections.

I pulled a spread this morning and the Magician taught me more deeply what it means to be responsible for your life.

- Our emotions that stem from the heart of how we really feel about something
- Our thoughts of how we create our perceptions of ourselves and others.
- Our focus and what we build and how we chose to participate in the world
- Our spirit... our imagination and inspirations.... what vibration we are adding to the world.

You learn to get your shit together to allow the flow of the universe to run through you.

To jump on the track that all of nature abides by.  We, as humans, are given consciousness of self. That is why they say we "turned from God."

We then in turn are given a choice to turn towards him again. To learn the laws of nature and plug ourselves back into it.

Using tools like our will, our strength, our focus, our thoughts, and our feelings to adjust ourselves to hear the beat of the music that everything is driven by... To gain its knowledge and respect the laws.

Whether it be the macro of the circling of the planets or the micro organism that aids digestion.

If you know one thing, you know it all.

Responsibilities

Tarot has been leading me to look at my responsibilites in my life. Towards my kids, my husband, my friends and family.

I have come to realize the responsibility I have to discipline my kids as I have talked about in my last post.

But now I think about the responsibility I have to my husband. He just called from being away on a job for three days.

I need to be more responsible for him.

I have a duty to myself to keep myself in check. To be responsible for my own happiness. How aweful it must be for some husbands to come home to an unhappy wife.

My poor husband has been dealing with an unhappy pregnant wife for the last two years.

No longer am I that wife. Now I will be the rock. The anchor that keeps our family together and happy.

I am now ready to be his support and my children's example to follow.

I am responsible for my life and for how I affect everyone in my life.

I will be happy for them as well as for myself.

Being happy isnt selfish. It is the best thing you can do for the world.

Ethics

A reading takes time. You have to allow it to marinate in the brain. The meaning has to seep down into you. You have to wait until you are conscious of what it is trying to tell you. Hindsight is always... 20/20.
My readings bloom. They plant a seed. My only hope is that i have the openess to plant the right seeds when it is needed the most. Whether for me or anyone else. Responsibility.
One must be responsible for their own development. To work for meaning in anything is all up to you... not delivered from anyone or anything.
The meaning comes from inside then is validated on the outside.
To be a Tarot reader one must abide by the same rules as of a judge, a cop, or a teacher. They all must work with inegrity and magnanimity.
It is just as important to find the right student as it is a teacher. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
How does one know when they are a Tarot reader? Do you get a badge or a certificate? No. You base your credentials on experience and experience only. Just as a doctor has their beginnings, so do Tarot readers have their learning curves.
Sometimes its dead on, others you are way out of the park. I used to take full responsibility and make the worst of it. But having the persisstance to continue the study despite the setbacks i drudged on.
Reading Tarot is a leap of faith. It is not me that makes the cards work. It is not even the cards that make them work.
I am not a fortune teller. I am a spiritual psychologist that assists you with your learning processes. I have to know the problem before i can help you.
Being a Tarot reader means having a bedside manner in which to allow a safe environment for people to feel safe enough to dig for the root of things.
Without trust, there is no love.

Happy Day Today

So I just did my first paid reading.

I have never been so happy. I have never felt so purposeful. Amazing what happens when you just do what you love. When you just follow your passions.

I wish I could shake every person's limitations from them and show them how wonderful it feels to just do what you want.

Excuses excuses I suppose.

"The idea of thinking that God would have to make this world in order to experience duality so He could appreciate and enjoy Himself, is the equivalent of the idea that in order to experience and enjoy sex you would have to also experience getting shot in the gut. No. Pain is the result of the guilt that came from thinking you separated yourself from God, and you don't have to experience pain in order to experience the pleasure of reality. But you do have to forgive pain and suffering and give it up in order to return to reality. J couldn’t be any more clear about that in his Course, and he is the one you should listen to. ~ Your Immortal Reality, Gary Renard "

Read this today.

Beautiful isnt it?

We are not meant to suffer. We are not made to have hardships. We are made to be great. Each and everyone of us.

I have had my fair share of sin, guilt, pain, and suffering.

Good thing too... otherwise I wouldnt have had the compassion to do what it is I do.

My pain was a sacrifice of a lamb. A lamb of God.

"Forgive them, for they not know what they do."

We are already forgiven... because it is our destiny to remember.

Where then is the fault? Your pain along with some work will be exalted and used in ways you cant even imagine... and you'd never be happier.

Perfection.

Absolute perfection in the design. I am awestruck.

 You know you never understand your parents until you have kids. Things just start to make sense. Then you gain a sense of gratitude.

"This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you."

Pain is beauty. There is no duality... there is only God.

Such terrible things we as humans experience in order to bring qualities like patience, persistence, compassion, forgiveness, strength, and courage.

How else could we learn such lessons?  How can anyone advance without the pressure of danger, failure, defeat, rejection, and heartache?

Just as the Devil can be sweet indulgent decadence the trials we face teach us to be humble and respectful.

The human condition is such a powerful state.

People just dont understand how planned everything truly is. Right down to the smallest detail. We are guided. We have a choice to either walk our path or get dragged along it kicking and screaming.

Your choice.

You choice as well on whether or not you can make choices to enjoy your life.

Either way, its going to happen. The unfoldment of your life. Why waste it not being happy.

Excuses Excuses. You cannot bullshit a bullshitter. I am the grand master of bullshit. I have studied bullshit for years.

To succeed or to fail. The only failure is you not figuring out who you are and what you want.

Ive seen it all. Money, mortgage, work, money money money.

Blah blah blah... what about the stories of depressed millionares?

We all know deep down that money doesnt fill any void... no matter how much money you stuff in it.

Black holes are just for that....

I had a problem for a long time trying to figure out who I was. I know now.

Finally.

Never been happier.

September 14 Tarot Reading

My husband is gone for three days at work. Over the three years of us being together, we have only spent two weeks apart. That is when he was doing training for the new job.

I kinda dont know what to do with myself.

I want to consult the cards.

Present: Lovers (Reversed)

Tarot is amazing. Yes this is just how I feel. No explanation needed here.

Challenge: Six Of Rods

I guess this time will be all about me.

Above: The Fool

I am on my own starting something new.

Below: Five of Wands

My spirit is stirring.

Past: Two of Swords

In the past I was guarding my heart and was blind. I was stuck and afraid to move.

Future: Four of Cups

A time to sit and be with my emotions. To look at things of the heart with a new perspective.

Affecting Me: Four of Swords

Rest. This is a good time to get some much needed recuperation time.

External Influences: Two of Wands (Reversed)

Take some time out to really figure out what I want.

Hopes and Fears: King of Swords

I must become comfortable within the world of the mind.

Final Outcome: Ace of Pentacles

A time to get grounded.

My Mother, My Mirror

I have been struggling lately with my oldest child, as you know from my other post. My first daught was a product of a very abusive relationship.

I worry about her a lot. I'm not sure why I do. I did a reading for someone yesterday that was a God send.

She described her relationship with her mother. Not a very good one and identical to my own.

I referred her to read a book I read, "My mother, My mirror."  It is a brilliant book. It is a book to discover the unconscious habit patterns we pick up from our mothers.  This enables them to be brought to light and changed.

The book describes several bad habit patterns from mother to daughter:

From a Review: http://www.mymothermymirror.com/overview_book_my_mother_my_mirror_fuerstein.php

Examples include such famous mother/daughter pairs as:

• Little Girl Mother and Mini Momma Daughter (Judy Garland)
• Jealous Queen Mother and Snow White Daughter (Jacqueline Onassis)
• Stage Mother and Show Girl Daughter (Natalie Wood)
• Out-at-Sea Mother and Adrift Daughter (Princess Diana)
• Spirit-Dampening Mother and Spirit-Dampened Daughter (Eleanor Roosevelt)

These carnival mirror images often lead to eating disorders, body image and sexual problems, parenting and relationship issues.
The five thought links help readers move past unhealthy inherited self-perceptions.

1. Separating mother and daughter self-images.
2. Uncovering hidden anger at the childhood mother, often based on viewing her inaccurately.
3. Uncovering hidden love for the childhood mother that might be unexpressed due to fear of disappointment.
4. Uncovering hidden sadness related to the childhood mother from either physical or emotional absence.
5. Blending the earlier thought links to create a truer self-image

My mother was a combination of Jealous Queen Mother and Spirit-Dampening Mother.  This, of course is something I had no awareness of. 

One day later in my 20's, someone referred to me in high school as "pretty."

This dumbfounded me. I had no clue. I had it my head I was ugly, fat, and annoying.

After uncovering all this stuff, I began to see myself as I really am. Beautiful. Smart.

It wasnt until I began to feel this way that my perceptions began to correct themselves...

Once my perceptions changed... my physical appearance then changed. I like to think of it as a combination of physics and biology.

A little bit of a reality shift as well as a change in physical habits.

As for my daughter, I am starting to see the pattern. I am catching myself treating her like a liar and I treat her like she is trying to fool me.

Her father did that to me. That was a hard connection to make. I am looking towards her and expecting him to come out of her. And through my expectations, I am creating it.  Well not REALLY creating it in reality, just in my perceptions.

I project onto her what I fear in her. She is just such an angel. She is beautiful and smart, just like I was.

I pray that my perceptions be healed and that I can allow my daughter to grow into who she is meant to be in your eyes.

Heal me so I can love her more the way you do.

I want to try a new spread today... I looked online for a parenting spread. But then decided to make up my own.

Her Now: The Devil (Reversed)

There is nothing in her that is bad.

Me Now: Eight of Rods (Reversed)

I lack self confidence. I am not recognizing my power. I doubt myself.

Problem: Three of Cups

Three of cups is a very happy card that speaks of friendship and community bursting with energy and joy.  Harmonious relationships. Love, support, companionship. Sensitivity and sympathy.

What I can do to change me: Death

Change. I have to change. I have to allow the reaper to come into my life and take away these perceptions.

What are my responsibilities to her: Four of swords

I usually interpret this card as rest. I think it is also saying, to sit and contemplate it. Let is rest. Step back and let Death do its work.

If I follow through with these instructions then:

Her: Three of Swords (Reversed)

I will save her from being heartbroken.

Me: Eight of Swords (Reveresed)

I will allow myself to be released from this mental bondage.

Thank you Tarot. Thank you life. Always showing me what it is I need to see regardless of how much it hurts.

Please forgive me for this ill thinking. Please heal any damage that I have inflicted on my daughter unconsciously. Please help me right where I have been wrong.

Allow us to grow closer... allow for me to love her and her to feel loved.

I ask for this miracle.

Thank you for all that you do for me.

The Queens

I have been thinking lately about thinkers.

I am a thinker. I think all the time... and not the type of thinking that suck my soul into a black whole, the kind of thinking that stretches your mind.

My brain always hurts.  I am constantly pushing its edges. Good side is, I am very smart... bad side is I have had to deal with a lot of confusion.

It is safe to stay in the same mindset. To NOT change your beliefs and challenge your understanding.

Then you dont have to deal with the confusion. The confusion tests our strength and challenges every aspect of our being.

When we refuse to deal with confusion we stay the same... and we never change. Nothing ever is born and everything is kept from dying. 

It is during these times of confusion where people seek comfort, support, understanding... they feel disoriented and insecure.

They are very vulnerable.

If I dont do anything else than to help someone during these times then I will feel good. I have been through some long, crazy, rocky times. Thank God though because I have rooted myself deeply with one foot on Earth and one foot in the Heavens.

And I do you know, do it to make myself feel good. That's it. It's quite selfish actually. It is what feeds me. It is my passion. It is my purpose.

I am someone who understands. I am the Queen of Swords, I have gone through it all.

I am someone who cares. I am the Queen of Cups, I have felt it all.

I am someone who inspires. I am the Queen of Wands, I have done it all.

I am someone who nurtures. I am the Queen of Pentacles, I take care of all.

I am the lighthouse during the sea storm at night. I am a safehouse to turn to.

Psychic attack, whether it be from outer demons or your own, is dangerous.

And it is usually both. As above, so Below.

Whatever is affecting your psyche is affecting your whole world.

Add a little imagination and negtive thoughts strips and you've got yourself into a real pickle. You then become enslaved.

Then nothing happens. Other than you become tortured and imprisoned within yourself.

Impulses and false urges draw you to choices that are detrimental to you and therefore the entire planet.

These habits are tough to break. One needs a bolt from God himself to release such bondage.

The Tower, of course, is always there to deliver.

As a counselor, I can point you to the door, that's it. You have to battle out your own limitations.

I am the lamp post along the path.

I tend to work on things on an individual basis. That is my work in the world. Helping one person does, of course, help the universe.

I take no time to dwell and explore planetary chaos.  That is like a rocking horse, it gives you something to do but you dont go anywhere.

It is what I do in my own bubble that makes the difference. Well, everyone doing their part that is would lead to world peace wouldnt it.

I am here to help you do your part.

In a sense, then I am doing mine.

September 11 Tarot Reading

Present: Six of Rods

I feel so accomplished. Victory, success... hard work being recognized.

Problem: Ten of Swords

I keep drawing this damn card. I have been interpreting it as putting a belief to rest or mental burnout. Not really sure.. maybe both... lol

Above: Three of Pentacles

Work, work, work, that is all that is on my mind.

Below: The Magician (Reversed)

Slow down... let the energies move you. I tend to want to force things when I get excited.

Past: Seven of Cups

Fantasy. Dreaming... Reaching into the unkown... The point of conception of a dream on the higher planes.

Future: Two of Rods (Reveresed)

Patience. I lack patience. Dont spoil things by being over anxious.

Affecting Me: Five of Pentacles (Reversed)

For everything this card means upright it is its opposite. Poverty, illness, burden, hard-ships upright, reversed then tells me I can feel safer now.

Hard times are passing.

External Influences: The World

How wonderful... Completion. 

Hopes and Fears: King of Pentacles

Success. Creating my empire. Building something.

Final Outcome: The Empress (Reversed)

Interesting. Stumping actually. Not sure how this fits in right now. So what I do is look up the interpretation online and pick one...

and this one if saw:

"
Work: When this card comes up in reverse in relation to a work question, it says that your work is well appreciated and well-received, but that you may not be aware of this. Realize that others in your work environment trust you and trust your work. Return the favor where it is warranted."

http://www.psychic-revelation.com/reference/q_t/tarot/tarot_cards/empress_reversed.html

Message received.

The Tower, Strength, and Judgement

I drew these cards yesterday night in a spread.

Such powerful cards. Powerful energies.

The Tower always frightens me. It is a shock to the system. Your spiritual lungs are not breathing and the bolt it to keep you alive or to improve you.

Either way, it is truly a win win situation.

Despite this, it still scares the crap out of me. Scares me... that's all. That's not too bad.

I can handle scare. Scare wont "Kill" me.

But we avoid it none the less.  We will try anything to keep from feeling this kind of lightening bolt.

It takes someone of great strength to embrace the Tower.

The inner strength we have that clenches for the hit.  Someone who does not run away and deny.

Strength is endurance, fortitude, persistence, relentlessness...

Not strength by physical, outer force. We do not apply our physical bodies to anything... instead we toughen up spiritually.

Our higher selves take control of our primal, animal-like natures through cooperation....

The beast bows to the woman. The masculine submits to the feminine.

Our focus goes from outer... to innner to fight.

Yesterday I had to go inside myself... in a sense, i was the beast coming inward into myself.

I had a wake up call yesterday that was hard to swollow.

Judgement told me that it was a challenge to wake up and see some kind of habit of behavior or mental habit that needed to acknowledged.

 I worry about my oldest daughter a lot. I worry more about her than I do my other children. Because of this, I dont discipline her.  I dont spank her, ground her, I barely yell at her.

In return, her behavior was very out of sort. I, however, chose not to see it.

Yesterday, the neighbor brought her home because she told her daughter to "just ignore your mom."

Something was wrong.

I tried to talk-yell like I do to her and she laughed at me the whole time.

I didnt know what to do. I was so confused.

Angry and defeated I ran to my husband. He mentioned that he tries to discipline her and I dont let him.

Judgement time.

Was I to wake up to the reality of the situation or not?

It took every ounce of my inner strength to deal with this one.

I told him she was laughing at me when I tried to yell at her.

And I said it... Go spank her.

And he did.

He came back and I just stood there sizzling from my Tower experience.

Then he said, "you dont like doing that do you."

"NO!" I said.

"why?" he asks.

Because I love her and I am afraid of losing her.

Ouch. What a pull.

I drew another spread.

The what's "affecting me" position had the wheel of fortune (reversed)

I found a lovely exerpt from a website I like: http://www.crystal-reflections.com/tarot2/rider/wheel_r.htm

"If you are a person who always reacts "passively" to whatever life does to you - then this signifies a more important change than just simply a new set of circumstances - it will open the door to a new awareness of the responsibility you have for your own life."

Yup. That's it.

The fact of the matter is, when my 5 four old smart ass daughter laughs in my face when I try to yell at her she needs a whoopin.

I know a lot of you may think wrong of me for my mind set towards my daughter, but I just love her so much. And I worry about her a lot.

Painful words to say.

Painful realization.

Full of love and full of deep responsibility.

Those were some POWERFUL energies at work in my life to make me better. Stronger.

Strength... endurance, persistance, relentlessness. Fortitude.

Was I learning a lesson in life? Or a lesson in Tarot?

Think about it.

How wonderous it all is.

Magic

I come to realize that people just really dont know. They dont see how much they really arent in control of their lives.

They dont know to what degree everything is fated and planned. This I have learned studying the Tarot. The more I read for myself and others the more I came to understand that everything is part of the divine plan... even down to which cards are drawn.

If that is the case with the Tarot, imagine how much other stuff in your life is already set...

It feels good to let go, to trust. To know that you are safe in the hands of our creator.

The Bible says, dont stress, dont worry... most of us TRY to heed that advice... telling ourselves one thing that we dont feel in our hearts.

I not only feel it, understand it, know it... but I am beginning to live it.

Not worrying and not stressing is like a bi-product of the work I have done. The more I understood the more I naturally relaxed.

My dad has a saying that I love, "Man makes plans, and God laughs."

How true.

Jesus and Astrology

A Catholic-Christian friend I know argue all the time... in a good way.

We challenge each other... He tells me I need Jesus and I tell him that Tarot Cards are okay.

We both are open hearted but there is something about us that just wont budge... mostly Fear. His Fear of the Bible being wrong and my Fear that Jesus is mad at me.

I have had plenty of restless nights asking Jesus to tell me if he does not want me to use Tarot Cards. But they always called to me... uplifted me... challenged me...

I worried that they were in fact "the Devil's cards."

I dont know why the Bible says that Tarot Cards are an abomination to the Lord. I think I bring flavor to the world. How boring would we all be without all those wonderful Devilish things.

Plus, I always said... Tarot is all in the heart of the reader. Bad reader.... bad reading.

Jesus's birth started the celebration of all birthdays... not just his. That when the stars were aligned jsut right, you were born.... Just as Jesus had his destiny, so do all of us.....

It is in the stars...

That is, if we all can follow in Jesus's footsteps.  Simply accepting him into your heart is not give you salvation. Yes, confessing your sins will always be followed by healing... but we all must do our work and walk our paths.

I am mad at religions that make psychics and witches seem evil and I am mad at the Bible for hinting at these as well.

Astrologers found Jesus.... this teaches us that there is Truth in the stars. We celebrate each of our own birthdays because of the same reason.

I still havent really figured out how I fit in with Jesus, the Bible, Occult Magic, Psychic, and all that blah blah.

All I know is that I love the Tarot. It has brought me closer to myself, others, Truth, and even Jesus himself. So I am going to stop thinking about it and just go with it.

The Chariot and The Moon

Subconsciously, I know everything. It is my direct link to the collective unconscious.

The Moon, being of the subconscious, is limitless, and infinite... and the High Priestess is the gatekeeper of this knowledge.

It is all the is hidden and dark....

The Chariot, holds both the conscious mind and the subconscious mind with the reigns.

Steer too much into the subconscious and you are entering the wilderness.

The place where anything can go... Chaos.

Imagination runs wild in the moonlight.

The fact of the matter is, YOU are in control of both... no boogeymen can lurk from the darkness and terrorize your life without your say so....

Once the subconscious mind is harnessed... reigned in... you are then able to use it at your will to do magical things.

I pick and choose what I allow my subconscious to be used for.

When someone is no longer terrorized by their Fears and actually allow the High Priestess to open the gate and poor Knowledge and Truth into your heart.

I am Worthy.

September 10 Tarot Reading

I know I committed myself to writing a blog everyday... and I have already dropped the ball.

I have been having so much fun doing my Tarot readings and so many magical things have happened in my life lately that I dont even know where to start.

So I will just draw a spread:

: )

Present: Six of Pentacles

GIve and take. One must give before they receive. Send out the Energy to allow it to come back to you... Karma.

I am now going public with my knowledge.  I have started to offer my services to others... and in turn, will reap the rewards of sharing my gift with the world.

Problem: Ten of Swords

I have to admit... I have a little mental burnout... I CANT HELP IT I AM SO FULL OF SPIRIT!!!

Above: Three of Pentacles

I want to work more... I want to keep up the pace... I want to learn more, do more readings, I am on a roll.

Below: Eight of Swords (Reversed)

I am no longer bound. I have cut the ties to my insecurities...

Past: The Moon (Reversed)

I have left darkness... everything is in the light and CLEAR.

Future: Page of Swords

Seems like the mental burnout of the Ten of Swords is warning me that I need to take a break otherwise I might feel like I can no longer wield my Truth correctly.

Affecting Me: Death (Reversed)

Old thoughts are being stripped away... Time to chill out and let this card do its work.

External Influences: King of Pentacles

I am becoming an adept. A professional : )

Hopes and Fears: Four of Cups

I dont want to get self-absorbed. I want to keep God in the picture. Not me.

Final Outcome: The Devil

I think me and the Devil have a pretty good relationship at this point... this card has taught me so much.

I suppose this time it is trying to tell me to keep a healthy balance and the right mind set to continue. Maybe a do need a little break....

September 7, 2011 Tarot Reading

Present: Ten of Rods

I want to bring in my harvest.

Problem: Seven of Swords

I have to leave any thought patterns of the old ways.

Above: Wheel Of Fortune

I am descovering who it is I want to be.

Below: Justice

Of course, I knew I was going to pull this card from how I ended my last blog.

My work is paying off.

Past: King of Swords

I am the master of expressing my thoughts.

Future: The Fool

And so it begins...

Affecting Me: Ten of Swords

I'm putting all this mental struggle to rest now.... and only action remains.

External Influences: Queen of Swords

I am the master at digesting my thoughts.

Hopes and Fears: Ten of Pentacles

I WANT IT ALL... do I have the guts to allow it?

Final Outcome: Seven of Rods

Stake my Claim... Stay on Top.

Amazing

Yesterday's studies have paid off wonderfully. Life is beginning to unfold.

Having dropped so much baggage, I feel at ease. This, for anyone that knows me, is big.

Things are changing.

I remember this time last year, I was so wrought with torment and Fire that I could do almost nothing that wasn't painful. Internally painful.

At one point, I decided to stop beating myself up for not doing what I thought I was suppose to be doing. Or for doing things I felt I shouldn't have been.

I remember one day saying... I am going to do something I want RIGHT NOW.

I went and took a bath. Then I said, "What do I want to do next?"... then I did it. I did whatever the hell I wanted for the next two days. Obligations were thrown out the window.... I did nothing for anyone. I did what I wanted. Anything to make a little tiny change... then another step and another.

No matter how absurd or guiltily the Sins felt, I did them anyways... under control. I chose to do them... not my addictions.

If at that moment I wanted to devour a pint of Ben and Jerry's... so be it... guilt free.

After two days of allowing myself to do whatever, whenever, I started to feel better. Feeling better made me actually WANT to do the things I so dreaded to do before.

I was able to release the desires that I denied myself of.

Once satisfied.... Then came the Joy.

Over the following year, I backslid a lot. But I just said, "Tommorrow is another day."

And it always was.

And today, Justice has been served... my hard work is finally paying off.

Tuesday, September 6th Reading

Present: Queen of Cups

Loving, Intuitive, Spiritual, and Psychic, this queen is linked to everything through her heart.

I am just in Love with Everything : )

Problem: The Hanged Man

I have to say, I havent gotten this guy in a looooong time.

I have just recently experienced a wake up call, and along with that realization, I have gained a new perspective on things.

Above: Ten of Swords

An idea has finally been put to rest.

Below: Strength

Ahhhh... somehow I knew that discussing the cards in my last blog one would pop up here somewhere.

Fortitude, Endurance, Inner Strength, Persistence, Embracing all that is primal and "Evil" and meeting it with honest care and cooperation.

Past: Five of Wands

The struggle with new ideas and how to fit them in their proper order.

Future: Ten of Pentacles

My world is going to be filled with happiness. The gift of prosperity, the gift of Love and relationships, the gift of growing old, luxury, wealth, and fulfillment.

Affecting Me: Ace of Swords

A new way of thinking is crystal clear.

External Influences: The World

It is complete. I have struggled with ideas, strained my brain and stretched my consciousness, but I have completed this cycle.

Hopes and Fears: Eight of Swords

This woman is bound and blind. Her seemingly helplessness is simply not so. At any moment she could release herself.

Do I have it takes to remove this blockage?

Final Outcome: Empress

The mother of the Earth.  The Energy to which all things grow and prosper. Fruitation. Reproduction and Evolution.

Enjoying all that is... Enjoying the cycle of nature and the wisdom beneath the functions.

She is the Power behind all things physical. She is the gatekeeper to life and death on the physical level.

She is everything in nature... from the beautiful trees to the decay of a deer carcass.

Sometimes, the Empress is not pretty... but she is always necessary. You can indulge in her fruits and sow great wealth, but you can also experience survival.

Everyone knows survival mode. It is driven by Fear. A drive to survive and a fear of death.

That is the Dark side of Empress.

The Light side, however, is abundant and luxurious. Bountiful and full filling.

I choose the Light side.

The DEVIL, STRENGTH, and JUDGEMENT

This card is always so misunderstood. I had to draw it in my spreads for over a month to start to really understand the depth of it.

Yes the Devil is about enslavement. It is about all of our external addictions. The things we draw power from the is outside of ourselves.

The Devil could represent danger, Evil, and all those things that terrify us at night. It is our subconscious given into imagination...

But the Devil also means everything that is considered forbidden. It was the serpent that tempted Eve in the garden.  It is anything that tempts us, controls us, all things that we allow to take hold of our light.

As with life, there is duality, there are bad sides... and also good sides.

It is to create BALANCE.

The good sides of the Devil are things like luxury, passion, decadence, indulgement.

Indulgement alone is a good example. To indulge after a long sacrifice can be considered a reward. To indulge and rob yourself of your balance is bad.

Most religions say to avoid all these wonderfully sinnful avenues. Sex. Sex is always the powerful force that has the ability to enliven and enlighten or it could be a tool for robbing you of your power.

All I have to say about how to control the energy of the Devil, is to have the inner strength to be able to control temptation... even partake with control.

It isnt until be LOSE CONTROL that the Devil is allowed to run rampid amongst our lives.

This is the energy of the "Strength" card. The inner power to be able to control yourself when faced with temptation. If the temptation wins, that is when we become enslaved to it. We literally relinquish control of ourselves to this external power of the Devil.

We use our experience, knowledge, and Judgement in order to be able to recognize when we are giving our power away.

We do not simple AVOID these scary addictive thoughts and behaviors out of our own fear...

We simply build up our inner barrier around ourselves with Confidence, Knowledge, Strength, and good Judgement.

Nothing will ever rob me of my Power ever again.

Not Money, Not Sex, Not cigarettes, not even foul relationships that I allow myself to get addicted to.

But I will be in that world but not of that world. I am going to make love, smoke cigarettes, drink coffee and energy drinks, smoke pot, swear like a truck driver and say, do, and be whatever the hell I want.

I can do these things because I remain in control. I am not enslaved to these things. I can have a cigarette, enjoy it and not become addicted. I can have four drinks one night and get drunk with some friends and not lose control of myself.

I can have Sex and not try to fill a void of feeling unloved.

It all goes and is okay until that point where you lose control. When it robs your personal power.

That moment of forgetting that you were always in control and are now just being deceived.

You forgot that the puppet show has strings.

I am not downplaying the abilities of the Devil... many many unimaginably horrid things have been done under the influence of the Devil... I have my own experiences with the omniscient "him".

Do as you wish, let it harm none.

The Devil card is the hardest energy to understand... but once you understand, you have control.

Nothing will ever scare you again.

I like to think that the Darkness is not feared, but the Forgetting.

Forgetting your Power while in the Dark.

Wake up in a dream, you live. Fall in a dream, you die.

You can go into the Dark and fear NOTHING. As long as you remember... you make the choices using your best Judgement.

Playing with the Devil card is always risky business... but the juice will ALWAYS be worth the squeeze.

Behind all that Fear, is great Peace.

There is nothing to fear but Fear itself.

Takes a person a lot of Courage, Strength, and Fortitude to take on the Devil....

The Strength card tells us that we do not tackle the Devil externally, but internally.  The woman stand and gently opens the lions jaw. She uses her inner force to make the lion cooperate with her...

All those primal, low level urges and temptations are controlled by the higher self which is the woman. Feminine energy of lovingly accepting that which is fierce and scary openly and honestly.

That is Courage. To be open and honest in the midst of being afraid.

Judgement. The day of reckoning. Enlightenment. Wake up call. An awakening.

That "Ding" stage of connections. The Ah-Ha moment.

That moment when we get it. The collection of knowlege has just been organized and labeled and filed in the right order to make sense of things.

It is one thing to connect some dots and choose to remain enslaved by things... it is a whole nother ball game when the dots connect and understanding brings forgiveness.

With that forgiveness, it is as if it never even happened.

The Devil goes back from which it came.

Money Money Money

I am just so sick of it. Money, however, is relentless. That is one big Demon if you ask me. Our world puts so much energy into Money.

Sadly, more negative energy is put towards it than positive energy. On a global and individual level.

I am relentless at removing my negative thoughts and feelings about money and putting more positive.

All our payments on things we owe everywhere are looming their ugly heads at me and my family. My husband has to work his butt off for half of what we deserve. Today, I had to buy groceries to last us until we get paid next friday. I took a stand about money in one of my last posts.... since then, Money has decided it will not go away that easily.  It has too much power over me... my fear of it sustains it's life.

One thing after another after another. I opened up my medical bills from having my last baby. A big hit.  The fear swelled within me. I started getting nervous and scared. My longing and perseverance had seemed fruitless.

Had I given into it, all my work up to that point would have been done in vain. 

I drew a spread:

Present: The Moon

All those dark, scary things that go bump in the night. The unconscious, unlimited space where anything goes. In the back of our mind, in our imaginations we will conjure up anything and everything. Wondrous things and frightening things.

It is the darkness in which things come from. Subconsciously, there it sits lurking in the dark.

Problem: Ten of Swords

Pinned by my despair. Tortured to death by by my thoughts to the point of exhaustion.  Rock Bottom.

Above: Five of Pentacles

Helplessness. Poverty. Begging. This card says it all. Crippled and in pain I desperately seek safety and security.

Below: King of Wands (Reversed)

The king is all of the energy of the suit of wands, focused outward. I am not filled with Spirit. I am not thinking lightly and creatively. I am not projecting into my world inspiration, life, love, boldness, Fire, daring. charisma and light.

Definition of Charisma

Past: Two of Wands

I held the world in my hands.... I started to become original. Having my personnal power, I could be bold and take risks.

Future: Ace of Swords (Reversed)

I have haulted my new way of thinking about Money. The demons that lurked in my subconscious has gotten to the better of me. My rush I felt when I denounced Money has been weakened.

Affecting Me: Ten of Cups (Reversed)

This is all I want. A happy grateful family. To be full of Grace. To look in awe at my accomplishments with Joy and Gratitude.

External Influences: Ace of Pentacles

A new way of living is around me. A new reality trying to get in.

Hopes and Fears: The Fool (Reversed)

I want a change, I want a new reality, but I am afraid to take that leap of Faith.

Final Outcome: Nine of Swords (Reversed)

I am allowing this to win... Despair. Anguish. What keeps us up at night. Worry.

See what I have done to myself? I allowed Money to go Boo again.

Amazing how much it shows its ugliness in our lives the minute we start to feel good about Money.

Thank you Tarot for always being so honest with me and in turn, allowing me to be honest with myself.

Nice try Money, but I put no more Fear to you. You tried and failed, NOW LEAVE.

I gave my neighbor some of the juice boxes on sale today from the store. My daughter is always over there and she is always given her some kind of goodies. I decided this because everytime I do what is right, I laugh in the face of Money. To be down to my last hundred dollars and then give some away. This proves that Money isnt the boss of me. Money will NEVER get my light again.... no matter how scary it makes its presence in my life.

Nice try... you almost got me.

Now I want to do another spread:

Present: Nine of Cups

Aww. Look at him how he sits there so smug. He is just sooo proud of himself.

That's how I feel. Accomplished... I overcame.

Problem: Page of Pentacles

A seed has been planted. This reality much be nurtured in order for it to take root in my life.

Above: Knight of Wands (Reversed)

I have commenced taking action. I have used my will to go our and reap my success.

Below: Queen of Wands

I am using the feminine aspect of the suit of wands with an inward focus. I am giving my seed that I planted Spirit to grow within me.

She is self-assured, cheerful, energetic and attractive... she has appeal. She is vibrant and glowing. 

Past: Three of Wands (Reversed)

I have sent out my energy and now waiting for it to return to me.

Future: King of Swords

The masculine energy of the suit of swords focused outward.

I am the master of reason and logic.

Affecting Me: The Moon (Reversed)

Screw you all those imaginary boogy men in my subconscious. You cant scare me.

External Influences: Two of Wands

I am the master of my own world. The world bends to my free will.

Hopes and Fears: Page of Wands

Although little, the seed has been planted and must be nurtured by my Spirit to let it grow.

This Page wields his idea... fascinated... thinking of how to use it.

I will use my imagination for the good things I want... not just feed my fears of what I dont want.

Final Outcome: Judgement

WAKE UP CALL... wake up to a higher level of thinking. I will use my keen Judgement on what I will believe and what I will give my power to. 

I am grateful for the Money we had to buy groceries. I am grateful that despite the Fear, we are able to pay our bills when it is time to do so.

I am grateful for the Money boogey men that have crawled from the darkness of my mind to scare me. It was a great challenge to overcome. I never thought how strong I could be.