Amazing

Yesterday's studies have paid off wonderfully. Life is beginning to unfold.

Having dropped so much baggage, I feel at ease. This, for anyone that knows me, is big.

Things are changing.

I remember this time last year, I was so wrought with torment and Fire that I could do almost nothing that wasn't painful. Internally painful.

At one point, I decided to stop beating myself up for not doing what I thought I was suppose to be doing. Or for doing things I felt I shouldn't have been.

I remember one day saying... I am going to do something I want RIGHT NOW.

I went and took a bath. Then I said, "What do I want to do next?"... then I did it. I did whatever the hell I wanted for the next two days. Obligations were thrown out the window.... I did nothing for anyone. I did what I wanted. Anything to make a little tiny change... then another step and another.

No matter how absurd or guiltily the Sins felt, I did them anyways... under control. I chose to do them... not my addictions.

If at that moment I wanted to devour a pint of Ben and Jerry's... so be it... guilt free.

After two days of allowing myself to do whatever, whenever, I started to feel better. Feeling better made me actually WANT to do the things I so dreaded to do before.

I was able to release the desires that I denied myself of.

Once satisfied.... Then came the Joy.

Over the following year, I backslid a lot. But I just said, "Tommorrow is another day."

And it always was.

And today, Justice has been served... my hard work is finally paying off.